Sometime during the past few months, I’ve gotten too fat for my clothes. I’m pretty sure the calorie that broke the pants button was sometime in the past two or three weeks, but it has been a slow build.
By way of excuses, I cite (1) work, which was absolute hell for about 2+ months; (2) grad school, which is annoying beyond belief or reason; and (3) buying a house, which just takes time but was completely fun.
In any case, here I am, trying to squeeze my fatness into the one or two items of clothing that still fit. Ugh. My self-esteem is about minimum right now, and any sense of drive to do just about anything is gone. Or, maybe, was gone until yesterday. (As an aside, I’m not sure what happened yesterday, but I felt more energized… except today I feel weird and disconnected from my brain, so go figure.)
I hate this cycle, the neverending up-down-up-up-up-down-up-up-up-up-up-down-up of the number of the scale. (For what it’s worth, I have no idea what the number on the scale is right now, because I am petrified of checking it.)
It seems easy, losing weight, when they tell you how. Eat less, move more! Hah! So what do you do when you’re working 12 hour+ days during the week, plus weekends, and you have two group projects due within two weeks and a final? What do you do when your natural inclination is just to curl into the fetal position rather than make/eat a salad, and you really, literally, don’t have time to exercise between work, class, studying, showering, and sleeping? It’s so easy, except when it’s not, which is always.
I know, we all make choices, and I made mine.
I know this seems like a crazy post (although not as crazy as my last one, am I right?), but it’s really just the last squeak of a cry for help and some perspective that has been building for a few months now. So, umm, help? Perspective?
For the record, want to add here how difficult it is to write on this blog anymore. I have recently found out that a lot more people “in my real life” read this than I previously knew about, and that scares the crap out of me.
But anyway, here’s the bottom line: I’m fat. Again/still. I’m annoyed by it. I’m going to do something about it… like today, I’m walking home from the subway station — it’s about a mile and a half.
That’s my first step. 999 more to go.
debroby said,
May 20, 2009 @ 10:33 pm
Walking home from the subway is a wonderful choice. I’d say don’t stress about the weight now, except I know that -I only have a couple pieces of clothing that fit. And the limited desire (or funds or time) to buy larger clothes.
If the weight came on slowly, then it’s only a small amount of calories/day difference. I’m sure you can make a simple small adjustment and things will slowly be turned right again.
Special K said,
May 30, 2009 @ 10:11 am
I am skinny….too skinny! So what? The snugness of your pants does not indicate failure…in fact, here, it is the opposite. You’ve been working too hard! Believe me you may feel guiltly (which is feeling bad about behavior) but don’t feel ashamed (which is feeling bad about you) that’s just going to make you more stressed, and less likely to healthy.
Perhaps what you need instead of looking at what you don’t have (time to exercise) look at all that you do…you’re a hard worker, a home owner, a great friend.
I think that the underlying thing here is that maybe your expectations are a bit off and skewed. There is a sense of shame that you didn’t squeeze in time to exercise in your busy days…FORGET about that!
What do YOU want? I think you’ve been working way too hard…and it’s not about finding time to exercise…it’s about finding time to honor you and do things that truly FUEL you.