Most years, I get to the end of it and wonder what has actually changed and how I have actually grown. I’m turning 26 soon, and it’s been on my mind a little bit.
Ages 22 through 24 were tough for me, as my mother-in-law predicted they would be. I was an adult by name, but I heard everyday about how I was still a kid–especially at work. But for all intents and purposes, I really was still a kid, trying to fit into an adult mold that I had created way back when I was 15. The struggle between who I was/am and who I thought I should be occurred everyday, and this left my self-confidence at the lowest levels. I really, honestly, had lost all hope at understanding myself or life in general. I was in a rut, I guess, except that it was worse than that. I didn’t have the strength to pull myself out.
And then, almost a year ago, I turned 25. Nothing changed on that day… and then everything did. And I’ve hated the process.
For much of this year, I’ve felt like I’m teetering between two people. On one hand, you have a shy, insecure, socially inept, immature woman. On the other, you have an outgoing, confident, take charge woman. These are both me, and they will always both be me, but in the past I have mostly teetered closer to the first one. This year, for perhaps the first year ever, I think I’ve been the second person more often than not.
Mostly, the reason for this has been my job. I’ve been pushed well outside my comfort zone at work this year, and I’ve hated every minute of it. I’ve scratched and clawed my way to try and avoid it, but it can’t be done. My job forces me to be better–more outgoing, quicker on my feet, more knowledgeable–than I thought I was. At the same time, I am really, really, really lucky, because it has forced me to grow quicker than the Grinch’s small heart. Recently, my 150-person team voted for me to win one of four hard-to-get yearly awards, and hopefully *crosses fingers* more opportunities will present themselves in the next few months.
I think work has pulled me out of my shell at home too. Jazz and I talk more in general, but we really talk a lot about our past and the future; about our goals and what we really want; and about what we’re really feeling. I know we are more confident now in each other, and that’s a good feeling.
I’m (trying to be) a lot more social now too. Social situations, for some reason, drain me of all of my energy. I have fun, but afterwards I feel like it was a lot of work too. I’m really trying just to let go, and it’s sort of working. It still zaps me of energy, but at least now I’m not shying away.
I’ve also changed physically quite a bit. My friend Cheri recently sent me a picture of us from New Year’s, and I–maybe for the first time–actually saw the change. I’ve lost some weight, but more importantly, I’ve become physically stronger, running in three 5Ks, with an 8K planned in March. I’ve faltered; I haven’t been running like I want and I haven’t been eating like I want, but I’m still me, and I’m still okay with that.
Overall, I think it’s been a good year for me, although it’s been painful too. There have been disappointments, but I’ve been very lucky. I’m optimistic about the future, and feeling more confident that I can handle the next curveball. I may not always hit them out of the park, but at least now I feel like I’m choosing to go up to bat rather than calling in a pinch hitter.
I know I haven’t posted in awhile. The winter has opened up my creativity, and I have been focusing a little bit on a novel that I’ve spent the last 5 or so years trying to write. I think I’m starting to get somewhere. I’ve been baking cookies though, some awesome cookies that I fear I didn’t make enough of. Oh well. There shall be pictures whenever I finish them.
