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Archive for March, 2013

I officially hate deployments.

There’s no reason that I started hating them today rather than a week ago or a week from now. Andrew and I aren’t fighting; the situation hasn’t changed in any obvious way; and I actually had a fantastic weekend.

But it’s a Monday, and I think on Mondays I’m allowed to hate this deployment, so I will.

I am sad today, for no reason other than it’s Monday and he’s not here. And he won’t be here next Monday either. Or the Monday after that. Or 10 Mondays after that. Or 10 Mondays after that. There are people going through worse, I know that, but for right now I’m going to permit myself be sad.

 

That’s all.

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He grew a mustache.*

Andrew and I skyped last night, for about the fourth or fifth time since he left. Most times, Skype hates us and we get 30 seconds or so before it drops the call. Last night was a good night; we got about 15 minutes at a time and it only dropped twice. I got to talk to him for almost an hour. It was probably my favorite conversation since he left.

We talked about his family and mine (I had seen both the previous weekend). We talked about his future nephew (and mine too… whoah.), due to be born in May. We talked about (*gasp*) potential kids of our own (someday not soon). He got to see Boots (the cat) and Indy (the dog). I folded laundry and played ball with Indy and we just talked about nothing and everything. We laughed and laughed and it was like he was right next to me. There were many moments where we just sat, looking at each other, grinning like idiots because he’s a world away and I’m a world away but he’s right here and I’m right here. Then I blushed and murmured something about how cute he is (mustache and all) and he said something about me and I turned an even deeper shade of burgundy… It felt like being 15 and having a crush on a boy in school and finding out he likes me too. Except that boy is a man and he’s the one I’m going to marry.

It’s bittersweet. The bitter is stronger than I’ve experienced before and the sweet is more fleeting than I could imagine. But it’s worth it. It’s so worth it. I don’t like that he is gone; I want him here more than I can describe; but oh that feeling. To be half a world away from someone and yet hear their heartbeat in your ears, and know it’s beating for you… it’s something I hope you never have to experience. BUT, if you do, know that there are few who are strong enough for it, few who are dedicated enough to see the beauty in it. You can take him and put him in a foreign land, but you can’t shake the steel of our hearts.

*he shaved it already.

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“Life is like a wave: you can’t change the way it breaks, just the way you ride it.”

We’re about a third through the deployment today, give or take. Time goes slowly, time goes quickly. They switched Andrew’s shift now, so now I never know when I will talk to him. We had a routine, and that is gone… we’ll find a new one. It’ll just take time.

(Plus, I’m HORRIBLE at telling regular time in my own time zone, let alone military time in a different time zone. I never should have been able to graduate from high school with my complete inability to easily tell time. Some days I wake up and look at my (digital) clock and think: “Is it 4:30 am? Or pm? Have I slept an entire day?” And don’t get me started on my inability to ever know what day it is. The only reason I ever know it’s Monday is that my friends on Facebook are noticeably angrier.)

I got rid of my cable at the beginning of the deployment (because OHMYGODWEDDINGSARERIDICULOUSLYEXPENSIVE), and I just got Hulu Plus. Holy crap there’s a lot of TV I never watched! I like it even better than my DVR. With Hulu, I can start at the beginning of a season! So, yes, this is what has been filling my time during the past week: TV. Oh, and the original Star Trek movies, which Andrew bought me on blu-ray for Valentine’s Day. <3

In positive movement, I’ve actually been working out again, and have tried to cut back on my “eating everything I feel like at every moment of every day” diet plan. I’ve only been walking, and doing some minor strength training, but that’s okay. I feel like I’ve turned a corner. The first tri-mester (hah.) of deployment was spent eating a lot, being emotional and upset, and not wanting to have any human contact at all. I’m feeling hopeful about the next one… one step at a time is still progress.

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